The day I admitted that something’s wrong with my head

…was the most liberating day of my entire life.

My head has always been an issue. Not my skull, no, more my inner thoughts. I’ve been overcome by stress and depression for most of my teenage life, causing me to become defensive, angsty, isolated and vulnerable to bullying.

Greek society isn’t kind to people with mental health issues. Their families try to brush them under the carpet, effectively shaming mentally ill people who are already vulnerable, and making their conditions worse. On top of depression, anxiety, OCD, you-name-it, they have to deal with shame, and eventually the bucket overflows.

My untreated depression and anxiety became worse in the UK. For the first time, I was away from my family, trying to establish a life and a career among thousands of others who want to do the same. I was looking for work in publishing, an extremely competitive industry with few jobs and many takers.

I constantly compared myself to others and I always thought I was under-qualified. Even when I got my first proper job in publishing, I looked for the negatives — imposter syndrome, anyone? It felt like nothing was enough, that I couldn’t get satisfaction from anything, that everyone was always, always doing better than I was, making more money, having more fun. I was incredibly lonely, my friends having left London right after our MA was over, so intrusive thoughts were always there.

In 2018, a terrible experience at my workplace exposed the extent of my mental health downward spiral. I felt like I was back to square one, not deserving of success, always making mistakes, feeling lost and sad. I carried this trauma to my next job, always feeling on edge, working myself to death to make sure I wasn’t going to be fired. Even when my performance was praised, a little voice in my head prevented me from fully relaxing and enjoying the job. Intrusive thoughts were crushing my confidence and affecting my relationships with myself and others.

In 2019, my mental health collapsed. I could barely get out of bed and I was constantly tired and sad. I cried myself to sleep almost every night and it hit me hard when my partner started crying too.

‘I hate seeing you like this’, he said.

I hated seeing myself like this. Very often depression is associated with suicide. I didn’t want to kill myself, I wanted to live, just…not like this. Like I’m constantly longing for sleep, so that I don’t think about the things that trouble me.

In spring, as the days were getting lighter, I realised it was time to leave the baggage behind, or make it a bit less heavy. I just wanted progress, an improvement. I got prescribed sertraline, which helped me massively by calming me down and preventing huge anxiety attacks. At the same time, I started personal training with one of the kindest, sweetest people I’ve ever met in my life.

She was an abundant source of joy and positivity, a true ray of sunshine and the antidote to my negativity. Training with her was a cure for the body and the mind; not only did she help my body develop strength and endurance, she also made me feel welcome, loved and appreciated — through talking, listening, explaining, praising and understanding. At the time, she was training in CBT and I daresay she’s perfect for it.

Since then, I’ve had ups and downs, but the feelings of constant dread and panic have left me. It took a while for me to realise that I’m going to have good days and bad days and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s about picking myself up and doing things that fill me with joy, and let kind people into my life.

What I was concerned about was how my family and friends back in Greece will perceive my mental health and the fact that I was on medication. As I explained, Greek society is conditioned to believe that MH issues are to be scared of, ridiculed and shoved under the carpet.

I was relieved to find out that my environment encouraged me to do whatever it takes to help my soul heal. I’m so proud to be surrounded by people who challenge the social perception of MH issues and realise how real, painful and commonplace they can be. It gives me hope that Greeks will finally leave the stigma behind and create a more tolerant society.

And not just Greece — I am hoping that in the coming years, the whole world will acknowledge the stigma around MH and overcome it by encouraging honest conversations, tolerance and understanding.

So that we can finally help our souls heal.